Postcards from Thailand - Postscript

 Well it's 2025. I'm not one to make resolutions or to do a dry Jan challenge.  Instead I use this month to reset, review and continue moving forward. In 2024 I took up and re-started hobbies and achieved the following: Blogging, back into this as a form of journaling Attended my first book club meeting and booked into the Jan event Got back into reading Changed PT and have been consistent Took up knitting - all the lessons from childhood are coming back and it's relaxing Reconnected via FB with old friend Made the highest commission in my 7 years Received gratitude from my boss Committed to my natural greying hair Completed two solo adventure challenges Have achieved over 10K in savings  Instigated and attended neighbours drinks Finally made it to Europe Made peace with my solo status Managed mum's status and situation I'm really proud of myself. It's taken me so many years to feel this comfortable in my skin and my life. This is one of the first new year's...

Why cannot I not push aside the feeling of dread that sits in the pit of my stomach?  It is the people pleaser part of me. The part that does not like to feel they have let anyone down or feel like I'm trouble.  In this case, I do feel I have let the person down.  I should have been on top of the situation. Instead I let my personal life get in the way.  Perhaps this why I feel so bad now and worrying day and night.  The ridiculous thing is, ultimately I cannot control the situation or the outcome.  Everything I do now is just to try my best to resolve it and quickly.  I need to let it go - to do the things I can do and stop the constant thinking, worrying and over thinking regarding what is outside my control. I know this is causing me undue stress - I am not sleeping, have the knot in my stomach, feel the exhaustion and fog in my brain. Worse still is the part of me that wants to flee, to take flight. Looking for new jobs.  This doesn't fix anyt...

Today, well from last night I have felt particularly flat. The anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies racing around and the thoughts in my mind that just won't leave. As much as I try not to, I am grieving the loss of two people. Mum, who is slowly slipping away, each and every time I see her and the loss of my relationship. I miss the everyday chats, the ability to call and and talk about the mundane. I miss the spark that used to be in our conversation.  The light is now dimmed and I am left alone. These feelings relate to both situations.  I miss my ex, but as I'm realising I miss the aspects of him and the relationship that worked. There are many parts that did not work. I knew this deep down, but let it go - I wanted to believe so much that this time we would make it. It's a shame, I've done so much work on myself and I hope that he can understand that without the same, he will never move forward. Always stuck in this loop. Blogging is an outlet ...

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with anxiety. My resilience has been tested time and time again as I force myself out of the comfort zone to sit in the uncomfortable.  I have memories of hiding in my bedroom, hoping that I would not get in trouble for some little mistake I made as a child. My heart pounding and stomach in knots. As an adult it is the same, although over time I have learnt coping strategies. Using a worry diary helps. Writing down the concern and then coping statements. Breathwork helps, if I can get outside of my mind and allow things to slow down. Exercise helps.  I am a chameleon and master of masking the anxiety I feel attending events where I do not know anyone. People can mistake me for an extrovert. When in reality I am a lot more introverted than I even realise sometimes. As I am getting older and friendships change and move, I realise that I need to come out of my shell once again and engage with the world.  In navigating my life as...