Postcards from Thailand - Postscript

Today, well from last night I have felt particularly flat. The anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, the butterflies racing around and the thoughts in my mind that just won't leave. As much as I try not to, I am grieving the loss of two people. Mum, who is slowly slipping away, each and every time I see her and the loss of my relationship. I miss the everyday chats, the ability to call and and talk about the mundane. I miss the spark that used to be in our conversation.  The light is now dimmed and I am left alone. These feelings relate to both situations.  I miss my ex, but as I'm realising I miss the aspects of him and the relationship that worked. There are many parts that did not work. I knew this deep down, but let it go - I wanted to believe so much that this time we would make it. It's a shame, I've done so much work on myself and I hope that he can understand that without the same, he will never move forward. Always stuck in this loop. Blogging is an outlet ...

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with anxiety. My resilience has been tested time and time again as I force myself out of the comfort zone to sit in the uncomfortable.  I have memories of hiding in my bedroom, hoping that I would not get in trouble for some little mistake I made as a child. My heart pounding and stomach in knots. As an adult it is the same, although over time I have learnt coping strategies. Using a worry diary helps. Writing down the concern and then coping statements. Breathwork helps, if I can get outside of my mind and allow things to slow down. Exercise helps.  I am a chameleon and master of masking the anxiety I feel attending events where I do not know anyone. People can mistake me for an extrovert. When in reality I am a lot more introverted than I even realise sometimes. As I am getting older and friendships change and move, I realise that I need to come out of my shell once again and engage with the world.  In navigating my life as...

 My grandfather used to say "one day at a time".  This year has been filled with rollercoaster moments. The continuous highs and lows that come with caring for a loved one.  Mum has been in rapid decline since the events of December 2023.   The 'Dunedin Days' as my sister and I refer to, was a time filled with fear, but also love and cherished memories. Since then we have battled daily with mum's care and now as we move to the one year anniversary, there is a definite shift and we can feel mum slipping away.  The grief of losing a parent to death is unimaginable, but seeing her in body and not being able to have meaningful conversations, watching her slowly pull away from reality and wither before my eyes is a very different level of grief.  So we take it one day at a time.  Tuesday, cup day.  For some the best day of the year, they go place bets and celebrate the race that stops a nation.  For me it is now the day S and I split, after 5...